Sometimes I wish God would make my path a little more obvious. I hate this going back and forth between thinking I'm knowing where I'm headed one minute and then feeling like I'm standing in the dark with a blindfold on the next. I wish there was a sign that said something like "Mark, you are supposed to be doing..." and then it would tell me what I was supposed to be doing. Instead of this whole bull in a china shop blundering around I seem to be doing lately. I feel like I'm charging around in the middle of something I have no business being around, and all of these things that are delicate and fragile and meant to be handled by someone with a little more grace and a little more skill and a little more, I don't know, opposable thumbs maybe?? I mean here I jumped headfirst into this whole internship thing and now I feel like I'm floundering becase I forgot to pack a lifejacket. I feel like everyone thinks I'm just some kid that's hanging around, and a lot of people feel that the internship program is a drain on the budget and don't really want an intern in the first place, and then there's me making a fool of myself and doing everything wrong. That sure doesn't change their opinion at all. I know it takes time to get adjusted and I know I have only been around for about three weeks now, but it's still just darn poopy. And I have these huge swings... One minute I'm super excited, I love my job, I feel totally called to be doing the ministry that I'm involved in... and the next minute I feel totally unequipped, generally unwanted, and I'd just rather be playing dodgeball or something. And it sucks because all of my old support system are far away in places like Texas and North Dakota and Minnesota and Iowa and Georgia and Nebraska and Colorado, and here I am in freakin' Illinois, in a huge house that feels darn big and empty, with a church full of people that have no idea what to do with me, and God seems pretty quiet right about now. I thought internship was supposed to be this great awesome time when my call to ordained ministry would be wonderfully nurtured and strengthened and I would no without a shadow of a doubt that this is what I was called to do. But so far it's not like that. And it sucks to even think that maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, because for so long it's been the only option. I've put so much time and effort (and money) into following this path. But I know that this is just one of those temporary downs... that soon the pendulum will swing back to the other side and for at least a fleeting moment I'll be excited and happy to be where I'm at and doing what I'm doing. I don't know... Maybe I'm just tired and need to go get some sleep.
Oh, in other news a parishioner dropped off a present. She said she noticed last Sunday that I had a really nice robe but no cross. She decided I needed one. Her husband and a parishioner who recently passed away used to work together to make wooden cross necklaces, so he made me one and she brought it to me at work today. It's a really neat cross. I absolutely love it. So I don't know... Maybe I am supposed to be right where I'm at. Maybe I need to give it some time, get to know the people more, let them get to know me more, before I let myself wallow in self pity and spiral into despair. But life would be so much less fun without the dramatics, don't you think?