this is no longer my blog

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


appliance hell

Dear Mr Yushchenko,
Is it not enough that I am a domestically challenged single male? Is it not enough that I set things on fire when I'm trying to boil noodles? Is it not enough that I try to bake bread and it ends up tasting like a salty rock? But now... Now my very appliances have to act up, independently of my ineptitude?

First, there was the incident where my refrigerator peed on the kitchen floor. Several times. When we had a urethral reimplantation and stuck the water tube back into the automatic ice maker it only had a couple more accidents, but now the reimplantation has worked wonderfully.

Then, lights randomly decide to work. Then not work. Then work. Now they don't work. And I would go and buy replacement bulbs and replace them, but when I think about doing that, they decide to work. So if I get a replacement bulb and replace it, what if it's the electric connection and not the bulb's fault at all? Then I've gone and wasted $1.50 or however much it is that light bulbs cost nowadays. And that's a buck fifty that could be spent on soda pop. Or cheese curds from Culvers (mmm.... cheese curds).

Then, the water heater makes funny noises. When it is doing it's business it sounds like the man trapped in my furnace room is smacking something with a pipe. I'm not sure why the water heater has to sound like that. Does it help heat the water to smack things with pipes? I wouldn't think so. But then I'm not a water heater. We've already established that I'm a domestically challenged single male. Definitely NOT a water heater.

Then, when the furnace turns on it sounds as if the man trapped in my furnace room is kicking a large aluminum box. First, I don't know why the man was in my house in the first place. Second, I know that I'm definitely not unlocking the furnace room door because if there is a man down there, he's been down there a while and he's probably hella pissed. Third, I don't know why there would be a large aluminum box in my furnace room, but that is what it sounds like he's kicking. And fourth, I'm not sure why he'd need to kick a large aluminum box to start the furnace. But that is what it sounds like he's kicking. And who am I to argue with a pissed off man locked in my furnace room who's smacking something with a pipe and kicking an aluminum box?

Then, (yeah, I know, you thought I was done... but I'm not) my dryer decided not to work anymore. One day it's working and dutifully drying my wet clothes. It was a deal that I thought we had worked out. I clean the lint trap, it dries my clothes. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Made sense to me. But then one day, I toss in my wet clothes, turn the dial, push the button... weird clicking-kind-of-a-buzzing-but-not-quite noise. I check the lint trap. It's empty. Did I not get the memo? Did our deal change? And if it did, shouldn't you have told me? Don't you understand that these were the clothes I was planning on wearing today? Do you really expect me to go to work in wet and wrinkly clothes? Not only would I look unprofessional, but damp clothes always cling in the most inappropriate and uncomfortable places. So really, this new arrangement might be working for you, dryer, but not so much for me. Dry my clothes. I turn the dial, push the button. Once again with the strange clicking/buzzing noise only not so loud this time and it kind of fades. I think maybe I should turn off the dryer before it spontaneously combusts. Spontaneously combusting dryers are not fun. Especially when I am within two feet of it. Without flameproof full body armor. WITH flameproof full body armor a spontaneously combusting dryer might be fun. But not in my laundry room.

So there it is, Mr Yushchenko. There it is. Luckily my computer, television and cable box are still functioning (knock on wood). Although I did realize that although I stop watching the HBO and Cinemax channels that my cable company sends to my cable box that does not mean that they are gone. And because they are not gone my cable company does not stop charging me for them. And because the two month period that I was allowed to have these HBO and Cinemax channels free of charge ended a month ago, that makes my cable bill much larger than it has been the previous two months.

And church council meetings should not be allowed to last three hours. That is all I have to say about that.

And now I'm going to bed, Mr Yushchenko. Thank your for your time.

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