this is no longer my blog

so i'm not sure what to be feeling right now.

i just got back from a visit to my seminary, they had a guest lecturer who was speaking about practical theology in the life of the church, so supervising pastor and i decided to go. so i shifted my day off to wednesday instead of monday, and went up a day early to hang out and spend time with friends. as i was wandering around campus saying my hellos and whatnot, i ran into next year's intern (nyi for short). i stopped and we chatted for a bit. i told him the place is great and the house is great and supervising pastor is great (all true). he asked some questions, i answered as truthfully as i could without revealing anything that would be best for him to find out on his own. we talked about the young adult group, which he was interested in. i was glad that he seemed excited to be coming to my church. then it hit me. wait a minute... this is MY church. yeah, so i'm having feelings of possessiveness right now.

but, after spending time with my friends at seminary, and hanging out and chatting and talking to the seniors who are getting ready to go out into the great wide world of the lutheran church, to parts unknown, to be full fledged real pastors, i was excited to come back to seminary. to partake in the camaraderie and community and excitement and social atmosphere. it was hard to leave today, to come back to the place that i'm not yet ready to leave.

today at lunch i had a conversation with my pastor about this whole issue. knowing that nyi is coming really kind of puts a definite end to my time here. i can't go on pretending that there is no end, because right now there's someone waving furiously, letting me know that he's waiting for the baton to be handed off to him. and it's not good for me to pretend that i won't be leaving. being aware of the coming end and thinking of the transition and talking about the transition with other people are all healthy ways to prepare yourself and others for the unavoidable. and as much as i am excited to go back to school, i have this mental flipbook of all these people (young and old) that i'm not ready to say good bye to, yet.

it's a weird place to be. to know that the end of one adventure is coming soon and another new adventure is following closely on the first's heels. And excitedly anticipating the coming, new adventure but not quite ready to let go of the one you are currently in.

i wish there was a way i could more eloquently state it. i have this weird mishmash of feelings inside and it's hard to articulate them. but, i think what it boils down to at it's most basic is: saying goodbye sucks. adventures are fun, meeting new people is fun, but saying goodbye to the people you love and care for sucks. big time. and even though i know that i have a few great months left with these wonderful people, the big goodbye is looming at the end of the road. and i'm pretty sure it's sticking its tongue out at me.