this is no longer my blog

Sunday, December 04, 2005


i have no willpower

I KNOW! I know that I said I would be taking a break from this blog until I was finished with what I needed to do to finish up this semester. But the truth is, I enjoy my blogging time too much. I like putting my thoughts and observations into written form. So, I think that it is an outlet for me in the midst of this end of the semester busyness to be able to take a moment to write something down. I guess that means I'm going to disregard my earlier entry and continue to blog when I feel so moved.

And now I have an announcement... My first call forms are filled out and have been sent in. These forms which will directly impact the next few years of my life... heck, who am I kidding, the REST of my life... are filled out and I've e-mailed them off and now I can't change anything about them. Immediately after I e-mailed them to the place where they are supposed to go I read through them. I second guessed some of my answers, thought I should have worded some of them differently or better, wondered if I should have even said some of the things that I did, or added some things that I had chosen to leave off. I freaked out a bit about the order I put to the preferences that I chose. There were some synods that I thought about choosing, where people I know and love currently live, and that are doing great things to minister to people in their context, but I didn't feel like they had as many opportunities to do the ministry to which I most feel called. There are some synods that important people have recommended that they think I would find more opportunities to find my ideal call. The only thing about some of those synods were that I have never lived near them and I don't know very many people in them.

I decided that following the call of God is not supposed to be easy and safe. It reminds me of a conversation that takes place in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (soon to be released as a major motion picture!! go see it!!!) where Susan and Lucy are talking to Mr. Beaver about Aslan:

"Aslan a man? Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion-- the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh!" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he--quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about being safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
Following the call of God in my life isn't about being safe. It's about prayerfully considering where God might be calling me to go, and going there. Sure, there will be some fear. My knees will be knocking. But it will be good. And so, I decided to go ahead and follow the little tug that I was feeling and I put down the unknown, distant places first.
And I'm not going to lie. There is definitely some fear. Some wondering if I made the right choice, but also reminding myself that it's done. I can't go back and change anything. I just need to wait and trust that God will work through the process and will call me where God needs and wants me to be. And that, my friends, is much easier said than done.

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