this is no longer my blog

Thursday, January 05, 2006


on uncertainty

I haven't been very good at updating this thing. To be honest, the idea hasn't even crossed my mind lately, and when it has I just think, "Hmmm... maybe later...." This is a hectic and uncertain time in the life of this church nerd.
Hectic because I'm pretty busy. Working, and getting ready to go on a school trip to Seattle, a committee meeting or two... Ok, so I'm not very busy, just have a lot on my mind, I guess. I'm excited about going to Seattle, uncertain about financial matters concerning the trip... yadda yadda yadda... you don't want to hear about that.
Things are uncertain because my future rests in the hands of other people. Up to this point in my life, I've had pretty good control over where I was headed. I chose to go to a little, liberal arts college in Nebraska. I chose to accept a position as a youth director after graduation. I chose to leave that position when I finally figured out it wasn't a good place for me. I chose to attend seminary in Iowa. My life has been guided by my choices. However, this next HUGE step in my life will not be determined by me. Sure, I filled out the forms, I answered the questions, I told them where I'd like to end up, but they still have the option to put me almost anywhere. In about a month and a half, a large group of people are going to get together, look over the forms I have filled out, and then make a decision that will impact the rest of my life. It's exciting on one hand, and unnerving on the other.
I ran across something that helped to read. It comes from good ol' Thomas Merton, and I want to share it with you all:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton,
"Thoughts in Solitude"© Abbey of Gethsemani

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